The sports world is crazy. Full grown men and women put their bodies on the line to perform ridiculous feats. The limit of what’s possible is pushed further and further every day. However sometimes, the craziest stuff in sports doesn’t happen on the field. Introducing “the Week in Absurdity,” your place for the most exciting, wackiest news stories. Let’s take a like at what was crazy in the last week of sports.
Houston Texans Jumbotron
Thuuz Rating: 65
Everything’s bigger in Texas. The Houston Texans’ new monstrosity measures in at a whopping 52 feet high by 277 feet wide (14,549 total feet of display). Being at the game will be just like watching from your living room! Their ‘tron one-ups their cross-Texas rivals, as this new board is 25% larger than the Cowboys’ one.
David Stern Toilet Paper
Thuuz Rating: 74
Okay, David Stern isn’t the most popular NBA commissioner ever. But wow, fans in Seattle have taken their dislike to a whole ‘nother level. Introducing, David Stern toilet paper. Though we can’t comment on the quality of the product, the dollar signs in his eyes are a nice, subtle touch.
Maybe they’ll make Bud Selig loofahs next
Thuuz Rating: 83
Here’s a breakdown of the weirdness of beard related actions. 1) Scratching your own beard: normal. Go for it. 2) Admiring the beard of a friend: Acceptable. Beauty deserves to be appreciated. 3) Scratching your teammate’s beard for good luck: incredibly weird. Yet both Big Papi and Brandon Phillips felt it necessary to tenderly tickle the facial hair of others. But hey, the Reds have won five straight and the Sox are still in first in the AL East, it’s obviously working for them.
Iman Shumpert Forays into the Music Industry
Thuuz Rating: 87
At the beginning of this week, the world learned that Michelle Obama is releasing a hip hop record, as a part of her youth exercise initiative. It’s supposed to be the best First Lady mixtape since Nancy Reagan‘s seminal hit, “Just Say No, Yo.” We kid. Anyway, amidst tracks by Doug E. Fresh, Matisyahu and Travis Barker is the song “Pass the Rock,” by Iman Shumpert. Of the New York Knicks.
It gets weirder. On Monday night, rapper Kendrick Lamar’s verse on the song “Control (HOF),” lit up the hip hop community when he called out and subsequently verbally attacked a host of the current most popular rappers in the game. A bevy of rappers responded with verses of their own. On Tuesday night, our dear friend Iman took it upon himself to join that group of responses. Here’s the world’s first taste of Shumpert’s rapping skills, featuring the classic line “Get a stool and an apple juice for this kid / It’s about time people know that I existed.” Rock on, Iman.
Thuuz Rating: 90
The most absurd news of the week. Obviously.